5.26.23 on bench at the Hammer Museum

There must be more to watching a man than to watch him eat. His posture? His stance? His center of gravity? The tension in his shoulders? The way concern shows in his eyebrows and anger resides in his jaw? A portraitist would know. A method actor would know.

There must be more to watching a man than to watch him eat. To watch him dress? Or undress? Intimacy is in that if intimacy is in anything. To watch him dressed – is just to watch him. Is there intimacy in that? In being dressed? There must be – in the fingering of a pocket – the fixing of a collar – the comfort or discomfort of being within. Is he more uncomfortable in a shirt that is too big or in a shirt that is – only a little – too tight? Does he care – sensitively – sensually – about the texture of fabric against his skin? Does he find tags itchy? Does he find wool itchy? Is he wearing this shirt to wear THIS shirt or to wear A shirt? I think this has changed – on account of his mother, and his becoming more like her as he ages.

There must be more to watching a man than to watch him eat. There must be more to watching a man than to watch him undress. There must be more to watching a man than to watch him stand – hovering – at the edge of a party – holding a glass – or would you call that a cup? – but what is in it? – and does he sip or does he drink? There must be more to watching a man than to watch him raise a child – to watch him decide not to have children – to watch him get frustrated when the restaurant hostess has messed up his reservation – to watch him smile tightly at a joke he does not find funny told by his friend in the green jacket who isn’t exactly a friend and is more an acquaintance.

There must be more to watching a man than to watch him. You can map his progress. You can trace him as a vector. You can try to locate him as an accumulation of his movements. You can look for him in his work. You can treat him as an archive.

I only want to watch him, and to say that! and that! and that! and that, right there! To watch him eat – to copy his gait – and to walk away with it.