DEAR DIARY

01.?.2026

I want to live a Big Life. I want a billboard in the town square. I want to shine so bright the City asks me to dim myself in the name of road safety because I am blinding drivers and they are crashing into the concrete median on the 101. Some people might say: this will never happen! Some people might say: this will absolutely never happen if you spend all day every day rotting, wasting, watching, scrolling, crawling deeper and deeper into your own bellybutton. Jesus Christ -- your belly button isn't even that deep.

These people are Doubters. Slap them in the pillories in the town square, where they’ll be forced to look up at me sprawled like Angelyne, like an underage American Apparel model circa 2014, kissed golden by headlights.

01.05.2026

- Brunch: congee made from leftover cabbage, rice, and chicken stock + ginger and poached egg
- Snacked throughout day -- Trader Joe's fake Takis (missed these!!) w/ hummus, lemon bars, chocolate cookie, ginger biscuit, licorice, etc etc
- Dinner: scrambled eggs + whites with feta and remaining leftover rice
- Oxford DPhil app due tomorrow. -------------
- Made an ~I'm visiting LA~ instagram story but haven't heard from a single person wanting to hang out -- checked notifications compulsively

01.02.2026

Life is that thing other people do while I sit on my floor and read a headline but not the article that follows, because there is a paywall.

Smelled creeping sage today [Mrs. Beard]. Rubbed plucked leaf between thumb and forefinger. Almost minty. Damp from rain.

01.01.2026 los angeles

Today it doesn't matter whether I use US *Month-Day* or UK *Day-Month* date format

LATER (in bed, 9:25pm on Mickey Mouse clock)

Did not make concrete goals today. Or edit writing sample + application. Or brainstorm Life Paths. Or draft grant app.

Did: crush leaves between finger and thumb in rain-dampened garden and hold to nose, until fingers brown and sticky with residue. Each sage has leaves of a different shade, texture, size, shape, and scent.

Salvia clevelandii apiana -- grey-green, small, soft, gentle-scented but insistent -- beckonging.

Salvia clevelandii Winifred Gilman -- greener, brighter (in color and scent), firmer, less soft, punchier but still mild.

Pitcher sage (Lepechinia fragrans) -- huge leaves, grey-green, soft as velvet, soft as sleep, soft as kisses, and scent hovers far off, the lightest touch.

Salvia sonomensis 'Mrs. Beard' -- greener, elongated leaves, trailing, spreading, low, eager -- did not smell today.

Culinary sage (Salvia officinalis) -- grey and familiar.

Black sage (Salvia mellifera) -- tar sticky and tar strong, vibrant and clinging, sharp.

I love them all and I love knowing them. Rain is pushing the garden to smile and produce -- all is verdant and full. Took cuttings of rosemary, lavender, black sage to try to propagate for difficult spots where plants have died. Must learn to make tonics, tinctures, poultices, etc w/ garden's bounty.

Baked fat rascals w/ dried fruit brought from Ox.

Started Barry Lyndon (about 1.5 hours)

Listened to CDs.

Walked through park.

Not in that order.

Tomorrow must eat better, or will get ill and always nauseous.

Now -- will read Dracula, then to sleep.