DEAR DIARY
3.23.2023 PARK AGAIN (SUNDIAL)
In the end, none of us could agree whose idea it had been. Em— was certain that D— had been the first to suggest it, P— thought that she and Is— had each thought of it independently, and of course F— was convinced that he and he alone had concocted the whole scheme.
Ideas are like this when you are in a group. They are merged — spliced — transmuted — until it is impossible to trace them to a single source. They originate from the conglomerate, not from the individual, even if, perhaps, E— was right, and it was D—, in truth, who had first suggested the idea. Somehow, by the time the plans had been made, they were no longer his to claim. //
The midday sun is shining brightly. The world is cool and crisp, all humming with verdure. Everyone has stories: this is one of mine. //
I have been here before, in a dream. I have been here before, and, perhaps, I will be here again. A bird is circling overhead. Or — I think a bird is circling overhead, because I can see its shadow all dark on the pale green grass: all things are omens, some more so than others. I thought there was a bird circling overhead because I saw the shadow of a circling bird. I did not see the bird. When I looked up, I did not see the bird. I never saw the bird. //
3.22.23 GOLDEN GATE PARK
[Note: When I opened my bag the zipper got stuck on the elastic of this notebook. I panicked for a moment — it was so stuck. I sat and worked at it and it came unstuck. There is a Segway tour. There is a dog sculpture - massive - mad - staring at me. I will be ok. I demand to be ok. I demand it of myself.]
It is so green here. It is too green here. There is too much green and it fills me too full. There is no room for anything else — only for fullness. I guess this is the cost of being within anything. To be within anything — even a moment — even the present — demands a sacrifice. I am no longer the whole — I am within the whole — I am a part — I am within — I am filled too full — absorbed — subsumed.
I am ridiculous. I am dramatic. I am an idiot. I like daisies. I need to pee. I am determined to be better. I am determined to Live a Life — even if this is living — this fullness — this loss.
“…There is no time like the present, maybe…”
“…Ooooooo I’m at the park…”
“…The biggest thing is just consistently getting on it for a few minutes every day…”
The biggest thing is the park — this park is so fucking big. The biggest thing is needing to pee — needing to pee is like that — it becomes everything.